Bill Gates
or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Philanthropy
I’m sitting in front of the television right now, laptop resting comfortably on my thighs (the Poor Man’s Vasectomy), enjoying the Cheeto-In-Chief’s afternoon press conference about Hong Kong. There’s a lot going on there: Hong Kong’s special status is revoked, as similar protests to the ones that have gripped that city rattle our own country. Don continues to call it the “Wuhan Virus,” and the way he says it makes me think of an Amazing Race contestant watching her husband complete a challenge cheering “Woo, hon!” Also, if you’re watching on CNBC, you see frequent ads for a mask company called “Boomer Naturals”, which surprisingly is not a breast enhancement clinic in Boynton Beach, Florida.
And, the United States is out of the World Health Organization. Woah, that seems like a big deal. Isn’t the world, like, not healthy right now?
Chazzy’s World Trivia Challenge: What country now contributes the most to the WHO?
The correct answer is: The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation! Did I trick you? The BMGF was the second-largest funder for the WHO, Gavi vaccine alliance, and Consultative Group for International Agricultural Research (booooring!). Now, with the US out, Billy and Mel move into a comfortable lead for control of the WHO.
This is a good time for the world to ask how much control of global healthcare we are willing to cede to one individual. It’s important to note that Bill Gates is not a doctor, a scientist, or even a politician. He happened to make hundreds of billions of dollars from his business, The Geek Squad. Does eye-watering wealth accumulation entitle him to make decisions with direct impact on the lives of nearly 8 billion people, with consequences that will last decades? This guy couldn’t even finish college!
In an article in The Nation, Tim Schwab describes the “halo effect” created by Gates’s philanthropic work. His giving is of a scale and magnitude that insulates him and his foundation from criticism. This is a noblesse oblige strategy that has been employed by the uber-rich before, such as Andrew Carnegie’s construction of libraries, museums, and topless beaches.
In one minor but funny example, Schwab quotes the puff piece documentary Inside Bill’s Brain. (Not to be confused with the porn spinoffs Inside Bill and Bill’s Brain.) A man named Bernie Noe says Bill can read 150 pages in an hour, as if he were a five-year-old trying to describe a genius. Turns out, Mr. Noe is the principal of the Lakeside School, where the Gates children attend and the recipient of $80 million from the Gates Foundation. Though unconfirmed, it is rumored that Mr. Noe accepted a $10 million donation in exchange for circulating this picture of Gates reading:
But seriously, 150 pages an hour is impressive. He must have finished an entire book during his flight on Jeffrey Epstein’s airplane!
The Gates Foundation works hard to limit public criticism of itself, a situation which could worsen as it assumes even more control of global health. The Gates Foundation has given out millions in grants to “academic think tanks that churn out uncritical reviews of its charitable efforts and news outlets that praise its giving or pass on investigating its influence.” These include The Guardian, NPR, Le Monde, The Daily Telegraph, and others. One 2017 grant to The Guardian is “to support the global coverage on economic opportunity and empowerment for women and girls and other critical global development and health issues.” Restated, The Guardian received close to $3 million to cover one of the main areas of the Gates Foundation’s work. Even more shocking is the BMGF’s $2.4 million grant to Buzzfeed, which cleared on the same day they published this headline: “OMG: Bill Gates’ Cock Print Is A-schlong-ishing In New Swimsuit Pics.”
And there should be more scrutiny. In a 2014 blog post, Gates wrote that “when you come to the end of the innovations that business and government are willing to invest in, you still find a huge unexplored space of innovation where the returns can be fantastic. This space is a fertile area for what I’ve called ‘catalytic philanthropy.’” This approach forms the foundation of BMGF’s work. But what is that work? The Foundation’s stated goals are notably nebulous. They include: “reduc[ing] inequities in health by developing new tools and strategies,” “improving the delivery of high-impact health products,” “creating and scaling market-based innovations,” “improv[ing] U.S. high school and postsecondary education,” and “build[ing] strategic relationships and promote policies that advance our work.” Let’s have a Chazzy’s World moment of silence for the Harvard MBA who suffered a nootropic overdose writing that.
By applying “catalytic philanthropy” to a set of goals that includes practically everything, Gates signals his intention to carve out swaths of life as the domain of his work, allowing the public and private sectors as “strategic relationships” later on. Through charitable giving, his private wealth becomes a replacement for government and business. In this way, Gates has wrested control over things that should be handled by democratic and accountable actors. Just as I did as a high school Model UN champion, Gates uses global issues to accrue power and prestige for himself.
The Gates Foundation deserves scrutiny. More than $2 billion has been granted to for-profit businesses. In The Nation, Schwab discovers numerous instances of BMGF giving grants to for-profit companies which are in the foundation’s portfolio. Furthermore, the foundation’s endowment grows at a profit; BMGF has held some $5 billion of income over the past five years. As part of its efforts to grow computer literacy around the world, BMGF has partnered with Microsoft for a $200 million contract, the company where Gates still works. Beyond that, Warren Buffett made headlines for pledging away 99% of his wealth when he dies, most of which is going to the Gates Foundation. Many recipients of Gates grants are held in the Berkshire Hathaway portfolio. #brocode. Gates also suspiciously collects salaries and benefits from three businesses: the Bada Bing strip club, Satriale’s Pork Store, and Barone Sanitation.
Billionaire philanthropy chiefly serves donors. Instead of rightfully paying huge sums to the IRS, where the American government could determine how to put money to use, Gates retains control over how to spend it by donating it to himself. Buffett does the same by donating it to himself. These donations still function as investments, paying off dividends in access, status, and political power. The Gates Foundation funds the American Enterprise Council, as well as The Philanthropy Roundtable which defends the “vigorous private sector [which] generates the wealth that makes philanthropy possible.” (Disclosure: The Philanthropy Roundtable is affiliated with my charity, Chazzy’s Choice, which provides much-needed funds to a Brooklyn alt comedian.)
Issues as important as global health and American education should not be captained by an unelected, unaccountable person. Particularly as the coronavirus creates new problems, we can expect the Gates Foundation to replace the government and competitive private sector in its response. Big Tech already stands poised to redesign American universities in their image as education becomes remote. Meanwhile, QAnon-adjacent COVID conspiracy theories continue to implicate Gates, which threatens to discredit all worthy criticism of the Gates public health monopoly. Furthermore, given the extent of the Gates Foundation’s corporate grants, it is probable that the coronavirus vaccine will be developed by a Gates grantee. Gates already agreed to fund factories for the seven most viable vaccine candidates. Distribution will then likely be guided by the WHO, which Gates now effectively owns. The current WHO head, Tedros Adhanom, was already considered the Gates favorite when running for the job, after working with BMGF in Ethiopia. This embodies the catalytic philanthropy motto: “No New Friends.”
Oh, wait, you couldn’t understand this post? Sorry I don’t speak broke. I’m gonna use my personal wealth to create a global empire of influence. You can buy another Gucci belt.
