I’d like to begin this week’s post with a prayer.
A Prayer For Bloggers
Lord, watch over the bloggers, as they watch over our politics and culture. Guide them as they guide our discourse. O Lord, spread your holy light upon every corner of Substack, Medium, Wordpress, Squarespace, and Wix. Give unto the bloggers their trending topics and enrich their lives with Rando Subscribers and Uncle Comments. Bless them with Blue Check Retweets and shield them from the fires of micro-cancellation, so that they might blog forever in your name. Amen.
This is a tough time for our nation’s bloggers. Every day, I see my people, huddled in coffee shops and co-working spaces, strung out on nitro cold brew, Delta-8 gummies, and birria consommé, struggling to find something interesting to say about what’s going on. Because this shit is booooorrrrriinnggg!
Let’s run down the headlines: Debt Ceiling. Government Shutdown? Infrastructure. Border Crisis. Climate Change. I’m 24, so I have about one decade of political consciousness under my belt. We have been talking about the same crap my entire life.
I can already tell you how all of this ends:
Debt Ceiling: Something passes at last minute. Same problem next year.
Government Shutdown: Something passes at last minute. Same problem next year.
Infrastructure: Something passes at last minute. Problem worsens exponentially.
Border Crisis: Nothing. Problem worsens exponentially causing unimaginable misery.
Climate Change: Nothing. Problem worsens exponentially causing unimaginable misery.
But, hey. Just because we know how the story ends doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it. Let’s take a look at some of this week’s more entertaining topics:
$1 Trillion Coin - I want them to mint the coin. Biden will pretend to pull it out of his granddaughter’s ear, drop it under the Oval Office couch, then Major will swallow it, putting an end to his biting spree.
Havana Syndrome - Been there before, trust me. Blue Gatorade, two Advils, breakfast sandwich. Maybe go for a walk.
Blumenthal Misunderstanding What “Finsta” Is - Oopsie poopsie, we got a whoopsie! Gaffe alert! Clean up on Aisle Congress! Oh wait, if you watch the whole clip it was actually a poorly-worded but good question about preventing minors from making secret accounts? Because Facebook knows that Instagram makes body image issues worse for 1 in 3 teenage girls and covered it up? Not funny anymore. Next!
Joe Manchin - He is threatening to kill the reconciliation bill because he wants to avoid an “entitlement mentality” in America despite refusing to explain the half a million a year he receives from his son’s coal company. Constituents kayaked up to his gigantic yacht this week and he told them he wants to make sure the bill is “balanced” and not “too big.” He also told them he “1000%” wants to hold big pharma accountable, even though his own daughter jacked up the price of EpiPens as CEO of Mylan. Good thing his yacht is named “Almost Heaven” -- he’s not making it there.
Kyrsten Synema - Be careful, Kyrsten. You’re a white woman -- the only type of woman I’m allowed to be mean to. You’re bisexual -- the only type of LGBTQ+ I’m allowed to make fun of. Just because I like other 420-friendly PAWGs doesn’t mean I like you. So go to your lobbyist fundraisers in a Shein dress. Enjoy your summer internship at a winery. Continue aqua jogging. But no amount of wigs, chunky glasses, and silly accessories can save you from your greatest fear: that you are not special. In the end, even the quirkiest Pinterest users will be forgotten.
So what’s been up with me? It’s fall. I’m breathing in the crisp air and forgetting the fickle follies of Washington. I’m drinking pumpkin spice lattes, listening to Red, putting ombré streaks in my hair, hitting “save” on women’s selfies on Instagram, holding my breath in the luggage compartment of a coach bus sneaking onto a sorority day trip to a pumpkin patch. In other words: I’m busy. Call me when something exciting happens.
As a comedian, you should put your career interests first and voted for Trump. Instead, you, and most comedians, selflessly voted for the guy who you thought would be best for the country.
In other words, if politics is boring, it's in part your own fucking fault.