Ins & Outs

I'm jumping on the trend! It's exploding underneath me like a frag grenade!

I know what happens when I don’t post. 

You suffer.

You have no factoids or quips or bon mots to trebuchet into the ears of unsuspecting Pratt Institute sophomores. Your email inboxes are a fetid trash heap of click-tracking coupons, solicitors seeking your used underwear, and alerts that a coworker has pinged you into a slide deck on ClickHub and management has downvoted your unionization petition in the HR portal.

You learn nothing. Your mind goes idle and squishy. Too long without Chazzy’s World and you’re a void, drooling and smelly, wheeled by the orderlies into the rec room to cheer for the heroes of your favorite infomercials. 

But I’ve been busy. The children’s puppet pilot I’m writing for Home Depot’s streaming vertical is in development hell. Execs declared it “seamy” and “base,” despite a previous round of notes asking me to make it “a little more ‘Studio 54.’” My mixed-gender bobsleigh team won’t make it to Beijing because one of my teammates gave birth in the sled and ruined the upholstery. Not to mention my own health problems. (I saw a buxom woman standing over an air vent, which caused me to walk into a banana warehouse, slip on the peels, continue slipping for several minutes before finally falling out the window into a dynamite factory, where I emerged charred black with birds flying around my head. FML.)

But I’m back. With a post, no less. Here is my 2022 In and Out List for 2022:

• Out: matcha (non-ceremonial)

• In: watery black coffee and energy drinks that reduce your sperm count

• Out: being busy

• In: having your day derailed by Kafka-esque, nightmarish situations when you attempt a simple errand

• Out: liking dogs too much

• In: bizarre, frightening creatures that are fantastically difficult to care for

• Out: “content”

• In: rants, tirades, screeds, Letters to the Editor, yelling into a microphone during public comment periods

• Out: roller skating badly

• In: not sharing new hobbies until you are good at them

• Out: curated playlists

• In: demanding the aux then shuffling your entire library regardless of the mood

• Out: the houseplant industrial complex

• In: identifying native flora and fauna

• Out: wearable tech

• In: sharing a walkie-talkie or ham radio frequency with your friend group

• Out: bicycles

• In: the two trusty feet the Lord gave you instead of wheels

• Out: bands that went to art school

• In: bands that dress to impress

  

• Out: celebrity gossip

• In: neighborhood drama

• Out: streaming services

• In: watching daytime programming on a VHF/UHF antenna in an old recliner

• Out: kink positivity

• In: scrunching your eyes, covering your ears, and going “na-na-na-na-na” when discussing sex and intimacy

• Out: Strava

• In: announcing that you are drunk across all socials

• Out: SARS-CoV-2 aka Covid-19 aka the novel coronavirus

• In: the 5 Second Rule, being loosey-goosey with expiration dates, just doing a quick rinse (no soap) after using the bathroom

• Out: “good” music

• In: music that sounds like Guitar Center on a busy day made by a non-binary teenager who you DM

• Out: showing someone Tik Toks, bragging about the quality of “your algorithm”

• In: telling a joke from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader

• Out: Wordle and other frivolous wordplay

• In: gematria and other Kabbalistic wordplay that brings you closer to Hashem

Well, there you have it. My ins and outs list. Truth be told, this is really an activity for girls and I regret participating. I’m sorry.

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We finally scheduled a bunch of Petting Zoo shows in advance. If you want to see me, Mike Kandel, and New York’s hottest comedians do stand-up with an animals. All Fridays at 7:45 pm at Cloud City in Williamsburg.

• February 4th (Tonight! Sold out online but we’ll cram you in like a Japanese subway attendant.)

• March 4th

• April 8th

• May 6th

Hope to see you there!