I know what happens when I don’t post.
You have no factoids or quips or bon mots to trebuchet into the ears of unsuspecting Pratt Institute sophomores. Your email inboxes are a fetid trash heap of click-tracking coupons, solicitors seeking your used underwear, and alerts that a coworker has pinged you into a slide deck on ClickHub and management has downvoted your unionization petition in the HR portal.
You learn nothing. Your mind goes idle and squishy. Too long without Chazzy’s World and you’re a void, drooling and smelly, wheeled by the orderlies into the rec room to cheer for the heroes of your favorite infomercials.
But I’ve been busy. The children’s puppet pilot I’m writing for Home Depot’s streaming vertical is in development hell. Execs declared it “seamy” and “base,” despite a previous round of notes asking me to make it “a little more ‘Studio 54.’” My mixed-gender bobsleigh team won’t make it to Beijing because one of my teammates gave birth in the sled and ruined the upholstery. Not to mention my own health problems. (I saw a buxom woman standing over an air vent, which caused me to walk into a banana warehouse, slip on the peels, continue slipping for several minutes before finally falling out the window into a dynamite factory, where I emerged charred black with birds flying around my head. FML.)
But I’m back. With a post, no less. Here is my 2022 In and Out List for 2022:
Out: matcha (non-ceremonial)
In: watery black coffee and energy drinks that reduce your sperm count
Out: being busy
In: having your day derailed by Kafka-esque, nightmarish situations when you attempt a simple errand
Out: liking dogs too much
In: bizarre, frightening creatures that are fantastically difficult to care for
In: rants, tirades, screeds, Letters to the Editor, yelling into a microphone during public comment periods
Out: roller skating badly
In: not sharing new hobbies until you are good at them
Out: curated playlists
In: demanding the aux then shuffling your entire library regardless of the mood
Out: the houseplant industrial complex
In: identifying native flora and fauna
Out: wearable tech
In: sharing a walkie-talkie or ham radio frequency with your friend group
In: the two trusty feet the Lord gave you instead of wheels
Out: bands that went to art school
In: bands that dress to impress
Out: celebrity gossip
In: neighborhood drama
Out: streaming services
In: watching daytime programming on a VHF/UHF antenna in an old recliner
Out: kink positivity
In: scrunching your eyes, covering your ears, and going “na-na-na-na-na” when discussing sex and intimacy
In: announcing that you are drunk across all socials
Out: SARS-CoV-2 aka Covid-19 aka the novel coronavirus
In: the 5 Second Rule, being loosey-goosey with expiration dates, just doing a quick rinse (no soap) after using the bathroom
Out: “good” music
In: music that sounds like Guitar Center on a busy day made by a non-binary teenager who you DM
Out: showing someone Tik Toks, bragging about the quality of “your algorithm”
In: telling a joke from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
Out: Wordle and other frivolous wordplay
In: gematria and other Kabbalistic wordplay that brings you closer to Hashem
Well, there you have it. My ins and outs list. Truth be told, this is really an activity for girls and I regret participating. I’m sorry.
We finally scheduled a bunch of Petting Zoo shows in advance. If you want to see me, Mike Kandel, and New York’s hottest comedians do stand-up with an animals. All Fridays at 7:45 pm at Cloud City in Williamsburg.
February 4th (Tonight! Sold out online but we’ll cram you in like a Japanese subway attendant.)
Hope to see you there!
How is your couch? I tried lining the bathroom floor with wee wee pads. I thought it was helpful with my old man, late night aim. The next morning, my wife disagreed. Oh, and if your couch is available, do you have wee wee pads or should I bring my own?