Evelyn’s apartment is on the 131st floor, so when the winds are strong, her apartment shakes. Given her building’s location on Manhattan’s West Side, overlooking the Hudson, powerful gusts are common. She learned at the expense of an antique bone china vase not to leave anything fragile on a high shelf.
Some thousand feet in the air, noise was limited. The noises which had often wafted into her last apartment in the East Village -- honking, obscenely loud car stereos, an argumentative couple whose relationship was permanently on the rocks -- were absent. Evelyn is only occasionally disturbed when seagulls and once, a red-tailed hawk, mistake her building’s elegant sheer glass frontage for a limitless expanse of sky. But this is rare and causes only a dull thump. Evelyn sleeps soundly here.
LIFESTYLE BWW, where Evelyn lives, is the largest mixed-use real estate development in the world. The project was first conceived by The Related Companies and former Governor Eliot Spitzer as “The Lifestyles”: a community for the modern individual who lives and works in style. The project was pitched as a much-needed revitalization of a blighted area. The neighborhood, once fashionable, had become a no-go zone ever since the students of a local Montessori school escaped and went feral.
The Lifestyles languished amid 17 years of lobbying, zoning challenges, and construction difficulties. Recognizing the need for a coherent, sellable vision of The Lifestyles lifestyle, Buffalo Wild Wings was contracted as the official branding partner. The development was renamed LIFESTYLE BWW and redesigned from the ground up to match the energy and excitement of Buffalo Wild Wings.
LIFESTYLE BWW comprises five towers, arranged in a quincunx like Angkor Wat, and connected by both underground and aerial passageways. Each is named for one of Buffalo Wild Wings’s five corporate values. HUSTLE contains offices and coworking spaces. SPONTANEITY is a 281-floor world-class luxury shopping experience. FUN offers the best in dining, nightlife, and relaxation plus a multiplex cinema, lazy river, and year-round snow slope with runs for the beginner and intermediate skier or snowboarder. FUN also features Buffalo Wild Wings 1, the world’s largest restaurant, with more square footage than The Vatican. SPORTSMANSHIP and COMMUNITY, Evelyn’s building, are residential.
One evening, Evelyn pressed her nose against the window on HUSTLE Floor 43. Her glasses fogged up with her breath. The sun was sinking over New Jersey.
“It’s getting dark so early,” Evelyn said.
“Yeah, it’s going to be winter soon,” said Filo, her coworker, a squat man with beautiful hair and terrible teeth.
Evelyn and Filo work as Data Strategists at HealthComp, a boutique actuarial firm which uses social media to calculate customers’ premiums. HealthComp has contracts with the country’s largest insurers, including Microsoft, Goop, and Cigna-Wendy’s. The mood in the office was upbeat. They had met their quarterly quantitative target by maintaining a death and catastrophic illness prediction rate above 94.1%. This meant Friday afternoon would be spent at Buffalo Wild Wings 1, enjoying unlimited wings slathered in 21 Famous Sauces from Smilin’ to Sizzlin’ to Screamin’.
“There it is!” someone yelled from across the open office. Evelyn and Filo returned their faces to the glass.
“It’s huge,” Evelyn said. Floating up the river, pulled by four tooting tugboats, was The Evening Madame. Once an American warship known as Intrepid,The Evening Madame is the flagship vessel of PornHub Cruises. During her most recent voyage, a seven day BDSM-at-sea experience, her engine had failed, stranding her kinky passengers asea for 41 days. The suffering of the deviants, many of whom had packed only latex and leather, was a major media event.
Evelyn and Filo and the rest of HealthComp clapped and cheered. The Evening Madame streamed slowly past LIFESTYLE BWW. The last of the setting sun, glorious in crimson and orange, lit up her bow and shattered over her burbling wake. Haggard-looking people were gathered on the deck. Some waved, while some engaged in half-hearted group sex. A few minutes later, The Evening Madame was no longer in view. The HealthComp team scattered.
“Want to get a drink?” Filo asked. “There’s this place on FUN Floor 171 that has a ghost pepper shot, and if you don’t throw up you get a shirt.”
“I’d love to,” Evelyn said. “But I have a residential dodgeball game tonight. We’re playing SPORTSMANSHIP Floor 22.”
“Are they good?”
“Yes, they’ve only lost once.
Filo whistled.
“Yeah,” Evelyn said. “I bet they feel they have something to prove living on such a low floor. Well, see you!”
Evelyn grabbed her gym bag from beneath her desk and started toward the lobby. An elevator arrived just as she did. She squeezed into the crowded car.
“I heard they were stranded so long, people went crazy from hunger,” someone said. “They were wearing ball gags just to chew something.” She turned to this person. On the wall above their head was a curly black leg hair, about six feet long. In order to imbue LIFESTYLE BWW with the experience of Buffalo Wild Wings, live sports are broadcast on every interior inch of the complex. A basketball game was being shown across the entirety of HUSTLE. This elevator constituted the shin of a Laker on the bench.
Evelyn rode the elevator down, boarded the monorail, then took an elevator up to FUN Floor 63, within the 28-floor BuffaloBodyZone, a state-of-the-art health and athletics facility. She ambled towards the locker room and paused at the steel door. A soft tone played confirming she had passed the temperature check.
“Do you assent to the LIFESTYLE BWW Code of Conduct as it pertains to personal exposure, indecency, and sexual contact in the locker room facilities?” asked Megan Rapinoe, LIFESTYLE BWW Celebrity Ambassador and voice of the automated locker room system.
“Yes,” replied Evelyn.
“Yes, what?” asked Megan Rapinoe.
“Yes, I assent to the LIFESTYLE BWW Code of Conduct as it pertains to personal exposure, indecency, and sexual contact in the locker room facilities,” said Evelyn.
The steel doors parted and Evelyn entered. Steam floated out from the showers, filling the locker room with aromas of Parmesan Garlic and Mango Habanero. (The facilities are stocked with exclusive grooming products from the Buffalo Wild Wings Home Collection.) Evelyn changed out of her work clothes and into a t-shirt and shorts. She put her hair in a ponytail and headed towards the gymnasium.
Her teammates were already warming up. Munson, Prajeet, Hilda, János, and Pierre were tossing a ball around. Ximena and Jack were stretching. Evelyn began doing jumping-jacks. Across the gymnasium, a door slammed. In came SPORTSMANSHIP Floor 22, marching single file. They wore matching sleeveless uniforms of tastefully tight red Lycra. Their monotonous chant echoed up to the high ceiling. “Twenty-two! Twenty-two! We’ve got spirit! How ‘bout you?”
The SPORTSMANSHIP Floor 22 captain met Munson in the middle of the gym. He was a huge man with close-cropped hair, monstrous arms, and a robust chest. His thick neck was littered with purple hickies. Munson and the giant shook hands in the middle of the court, then returned to their respective sides. “3… 2… 1…” they called in unison. It was on!
Evelyn’s vision went black. She felt her knees buckle and her kiester hit the floor. Her face throbbed and smarted. Her vision was streaky, but she could make out her glasses lying just in front of her on the floor. They were bent into a stiff and inelegant position, as if stricken with rigor mortis. She groaned.
Munson called a timeout. Evelyn’s neighbors gathered around her. Prajeet and Ximena helped her to her feet. The hulking captain of SPONTANEITY Floor 22 had leveled her with the first throw of the game. Evelyn’s teammates offered to help her home, but she waved them off. Evelyn knew this would have resulted in a forfeit. She grabbed her mutilated glasses and staggered back into the locker room.
The sharp pain in her face softened to a muted ache. Aside from a tiny cut where a nosepad had jammed into her, she was uninjured. Evelyn inspected her glasses more closely. The metal frame around the lens had split. The glass popped out with the slightest nudge. She tried to bend the arms back into shape, but they only became more irreparably warped with her attempts. The glasses were toast. Oh well. One of the benefits of working at HealthComp was excellent vision coverage. Evelyn grabbed her bag, but did not bother to change her clothes. She exited the locker room.
“Thank you for refraining from personal exposure, indecency, and sexual contact in the locker room facilities!” said Megan Rapinoe.
Evelyn boarded the elevators. The walls were bathed in a swirl of teal and aqua. Evelyn guessed it was a spectator’s soda cup. She rode down to the concourse, caught the monorail to SPONTANEITY, then went up to Floor 171. She walked for twenty minutes to The Buffalo Wild Wings Vision by Lenscrafters Optical Salon. However, when she pulled on the door, it was locked. Evelyn cupped her hands to the glass door and peered inside. An elderly man in a white coat was working at a computer inside. Evelyn knocked on the glass twice with her knuckles.
“We’re closed,” called the man, muffled by the door. Evelyn held up her mangled glasses. The man squinted, then approached the door. He turned the lock and cracked it ajar.
“I’m having an optical emergency,” Evelyn said.
“I can see that,” said the man. He turned to look at the clock on the wall.
“I’m sorry to bother you after closing,” Evelyn said. “I didn’t realize it’s so late.”
“That’s ok,” said the man. “Between the lack of windows and the oxygen, I often lose track of time.” The man opened the door fully and beckoned Evelyn inside.
“Let’s see what we can do about your glasses,” he said, leading her to his computer. Evelyn handed the man her LIFESTYLE Card. The man tapped it against the scanner. “Thank you, Evelyn,” said the man.
“I like my current frames,” Evelyn said. “I think I’ll just get another pair of these.”
“Are you sure?” said the man. “We have many new and exciting styles.” He gestured toward a display case in the shape of a humongous jalapeño popper. “This is our Shareables collection.”
The man handed Evelyn a round, orange frame. “Each frame style is inspired by a Buffalo Wild Wings Shareable or Appetizer. We call this one Onion Ring.” Evelyn put the frames on and looked in the mirror. The circular lenses made her look heavy.
“I think my old frames are good,” she said.
“Yes, yes,” said the man. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, of course! Just look at Buffalo Wild Wings. Not much has changed since Mr. Jim Disbrow and Mr. Scott Lowery first created a restaurant with a welcoming neighborhood atmosphere and a front-row seat for every sports fan that offers 21 mouth-watering signature sauces and seasonings. Though they may have added a few tap lines and come up with a couple more kinds of sauce, the important parts are still the same. It’s still the ultimate place to eat wings, grab a cold one and meet your friends to watch a game.”
“I’m always saying that,” said Evelyn, nodding.
The old man looked back at his computer. He frowned. “Evelyn, my records here are showing your last vision exam was three years ago,” he said. “We should check your eyesight as long as you’re here. Is that ok?”
“Mmhmm,” said Evelyn.
“Wonderful!” said the man. “If you would just sit right here, please.” He gestured at a white machine to his right. Evelyn sat down on a black stool in front of the device.
“Please go ahead and put your chin on the chin rest right there and look in,” said the man. Evelyn placed her face against the machine. The cool metal felt nice against her still-smarting skin. The man fiddled with dials on the other side of the device.
“Did you happen to catch the ship coming in today?” he said absently. “Just imagine, all those sickos and freaks stuck together on one ship, my God… Ok, now just look in for me and focus on the image.”
Evelyn peered into the machine. At the end of a long tunnel was a small, bright pastoral scene. She focused on it. A hot air balloon floated over a lush meadow. The balloon was handsomely decorated, with vertical stripes of red, yellow, and blue. A wicker basket was suspended beneath it on strings too narrow to see, like a floating bale of hay. The sky beyond was halcyon, perfect and clear. No trace of clouds. But the grass below was tall and verdant. It must have rained recently. Evelyn imagined a child running through the tall grass. They would have been completely hidden within the fronds. A narrow, gravel path ran through the meadow, directly underneath the balloon and off into the horizon. Dust hung in the air above it. Someone must have just ran down here, Evelyn surmised. Perhaps they were chasing the balloon or searching for a child lost in the grass.
“You’re going to feel a puff,” the man said. A burst of air struck Evelyn’s eyes. She shut them tightly. Her face grew wet with tears.