This Is Not Who We Are
I do not recognize this country. I don't know where I am. I'm very confused. I just huffed paint.
It feels like my brain got beat up. My neurons are fried. My cerebellum is spent, pooped, walloped, burnt, and tuckered out. For the past three days, I have been shoveling it full of images and commentary the way Joey Chestnut eats hot dogs. Trying to be pithy about this has been a real challenge, with each second bringing new absurd spectacles and deranged opinions. It’s a bit like drinking from a fire hose and having to describe the taste. I have not been this depleted since I spent 31 hours as “The Urinal” in the basement of Berghain.
As news of the “coup” or “insurrection” or whatever you want to call it rolled in, I recognized it immediately. I didn’t think of Belarus or Hong Kong or Tunisia or any of the places where real political unrest and upheaval has occurred in my lifetime. What kind of revolution involves breaking into the halls of government just to cut the cheese into the office chairs of the powerful? What kind of revolt is walking around Congress for a few hours until they ask you to leave? Most revolutions don’t involve people Twitch-streaming the moment they enter the Capitol. But a West Virginia legislator did, announcing in third person that “Derrick Evans is in the building. Patriots inside, baby!” This looked less like an uprising and more like when your teacher leaves the room and you all start dancing until she comes back in.
I thought of Philadelphia, on February 4, 2018. When the Eagles won the Super Bowl, I saw the same behaviors in the shadow of City Hall. There, too, I saw a few thousand flabby Anglo-Saxons take to the streets and get their ya-yas out. The guys taking Insta pics in Pelosi’s office had the same expression as the dudes who climbed up Crisco-coated lamp posts: you go where you’re not supposed to, snap your cool photos, then get bored and leave when the police ask you to. The infamous Q Shaman and the guy wearing a fox pelt gave me the same “You-guys-just-have-these-costumes-ready-to-go?” feeling as a man in a full suit of jousting armor made of Bud Light “Dilly Dilly” boxes.
Most of the crowd, while certainly ill intentioned, repulsive, and asinine, probably just got carried away -- just as a man might find himself standing nude atop the Broad Street Wawa without remembering how he got there. But that does not explain it away. This was really dangerous. Multiple bombs were discovered around Washington. Policemen and journalists were beaten with lead pipes. Some wore shirts that said “Camp Auschwitz” and “6MWE,” meaning 6 Million Wasn’t Enough. Five people died.
This was not a case of a few bad apples. (It would be a surprise if a good apple somehow ended up in this compost pile.) The “Stop The Steal” rally was a representative sample of the full sectarian gamut of MAGA. You had your neo-Nazis and militiamen, Confederate flag flyers and white power Odinists, gun nuts and Q freaks, children savers, anti-vaxxers, pro-lifers, Pepe posters, and vaper’s rights advocates. Who knew economic anxiety came in so many shades!
Without Donald Trump, this group would never have come together at all. The Trump base is a cobbled-together, piecemeal coalition, coagulated by whiteness and the cultish charisma of its leader. It is held together with the strength of a purple Elmer’s glue stick. I wrote previously that once Trump leaves office, his following will splinter and metastasize into a web of atomized, guano-crazy cults. I believe that even more firmly now. This was their acknowledgement (whether they admit it or not) that the Trump Train has reached its destination. This was the kids letting loose on the last day of camp. What finally brought the Breakfast Club together, what actually united the jocks, nerds, rebels, weirdos, and hot chicks, was getting to run around the school for a little while causing trouble.
My best explanation for Donald Trump comes from that sacred Urtext of political analysis: Harry Potter. He is the Mirror of Erised. You look at him and see the “deepest, most desperate desire of your heart.” You suspect the world is controlled by uber-wealthy gamblers, but believe in a billionaire who pisses away more money than Mr. Bean working as a bank teller. You hate the Jews who are corrupting your white nation, but find a friend in a man whose beloved daughter went swimming in the mikveh. You fear a cabal of Satanic child molesters, and see your hero in a pedophile. You despise how gay people have perverted society, but praise a strong, masculine president who sits around reading gossip magazines, livetweeting The View, and dancing to The Village People.
This event is so hard to make sense of because it does not make sense. The goal was not revolution; it was the continuation of the current presidency and maintenance of the status quo. The rioters did not know what to do when they entered Congress because they ultimately believe in the institution. They marched to the Capitol to make sure Congress followed wonkish, parliamentarian technicalities from 1876. Of course rioters carrying Blue Lives Matter flags would cave quickly to police. Of course a coup based on “patriotism” that recites the Pledge of Allegiance would not topple the government. I had a great high school history teacher who, to his credit, was Jokerfied long before the rest of society. He used to tell us that America would never see revolution as long as people could eat TV dinners and watch WWE. What, then, do you expect of insurrectionists who end the day boozing in the Hyatt lobby? No real coup ends with people forgetting about their boyfriends and bringing their girlfriends to the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn.
And then, we have the response. As Newton’s First Law says: for each baffling, enraging, and bizarre event, there will be an equally and oppositely unhinged cultural reaction. First, it was the politicians. They did high-engagement posts from their security bunkers and took selfies with their gas masks on. Our leaders nobly, bravely, honorably returned to the chambers to do their solemn duty: giving speeches pre-written by sociopathic former Model UN champions. Mostly, they were pissed that someone went into their special room without permission. Then the Congressmen got bored and went into the hallway to do interviews for whoever wanted one. Though Troy had been besieged, the Trojans re-emerged, durable, reliable, and lubricated for her pleasure.
A few senators and representatives withdrew their planned objections, a true profile in cowardice. (The ones who actually went through with it may be traitors, but at least they say it with their chests.) Equally spineless are the cabinet members and administration employees who are quitting with less than two weeks left to go. Same for the commentators, talking heads, donors, and corporate backers who are desperately trying to unhitch their wagon from Trump’s horse. All this after four years of going on TV to say that “the President was just joking when he said it’s really funny when a baby trips and falls and hits their head and starts crying” and “I was just golfing with President Trump and he mentioned that he deeply respects the lyricism of rappers, especially guys who aren’t afraid to drop conscious bars.” The rats are fleeing from their sinking ship, but we must not rescue them. No. Free. Clout.
The late night hosts went live. When the Nation needed a laugh, they all started crying and talked about how our holy cathedral of democracy had been pierced and deflowered, threatening the uninterruptible relay of our sacred baton of government or some shit. CEOs made statements, asserting that “armed sedition and treason are not values held by the PepsiCo family of brands.” People who spent the summer posting that “ACAB pussy is that macaroni gushy-gushy fr” began doxxing the people involved and demanding they be tarred, feathered, and made to swallow molten gold with each limb tied to a swift stallion until their bodies are torn asunder.
Ultimately, there will be two lasting effects from this. First is the permanent ensconcing of social media CEOs as the most powerful people on Earth. Michelle Obama focused her statement on demanding Silicon Valley suspend his accounts. Countless politicians followed. People who despise the billionaire class cheered that four of them now get to officially decide if a head of state says something too naughty. Those who decry our fractured media landscape are glad that 70 million people will now go permanently to Parler, TheDonald.win, 8chan and whatever other information cesspools crop up. Zuckerberg, Dorsey, Pichai, and whoever the Snapchat guy is are now our arbiters of truth, defenders of democracy, and the last backstop against autocracy. But what did you expect? The Obamas quit politics to make Netflix shows. Prince Harry chose to be a podcaster instead of royalty. The thing that made Trump finally concede the election was fear that his Twitter account would be suspended. Popularity must be more fun than power.
The second outcome, even more insidious, is the escalation and prolongation of the War on Terror. Biden already announced that his administration will be greatly increasing the government’s focus on “domestic terrorism.” The House is asking to add people who stormed the Capitol to the no-fly list. Never forget that “terrorist” is a code word for “person we can do anything we want to with no consequences.” Remember when Obama killed Anwar al-Awlaki, a US citizen, on unproven suspicions of being in al-Qaeda? Remember when innocent people were put on the no-fly list for no reason, ruining their lives? Guantanamo Bay is still open. The military is fighting a war on every single continent, and they want to do it in space, too. They still want to kill Edward Snowden. That’s what happens when the government gets tough on “terrorists.” “Domestic terrorism” just means they get to do evil shit at home, too. Politicians In Your Area Are Growing Their Forever War With This One Simple Trick!
We’ve felt this time and time again over the past five years. You are told over and over again that you lived through history. That this was a day where the arc of the moral universe bent. But you wake up the next morning, rub your eyes, and see that nothing really changed. (TW: gaslighting) The stuff that was happening just sped up. Power was consolidated upward into the hands of a few megacorporations and the ghouls who run them. The government doubled down on surveillance, violence, and control. Populism became further discredited and weakened. And while we were watching all that, 4000 people died of Covid. China cracked down on Hong Kong and basically admitted to sterilizing Uyghur Muslims. Kanye West and Jeffree Star stank the room up. Just another day in America.